Intro: Ancient Toltec Wisdom Meets Modern Self-Help
Some self-help books throw statistics at you. Others give 10-step productivity hacks. Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements takes a different route: it’s short, almost poetic, rooted in Toltec spiritual tradition, and somehow still one of the most practical life manuals ever written.
Its thesis is simple: most of our suffering comes not from the world, but from the agreements we make with ourselves.
We inherit beliefs from family, society, religion, culture — “rules” about who we should be. These become internal contracts that shape our behavior. Problem is, most of those contracts are garbage. They create guilt, fear, and stress.
Ruiz offers four new “agreements” to replace them. Four simple rules that, if practiced, can radically shift how you live.
Let’s break it down Substack-style: approachable, sometimes funny, but with enough depth that you’ll actually want to try them.
Agreement 1: Be Impeccable with Your Word
This one sounds fancy, but it’s basically: don’t use your words to poison yourself or others.
- Words are powerful. They create reality. If you gossip, lie, or use self-criticism (“I’m so stupid”), you’re literally casting spells — bad ones.
- “Impeccable” means without sin, i.e., don’t go against yourself.
Translation: speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Don’t trash-talk yourself. Use words to uplift, not destroy.
Modern analogy:
- Twitter beef? Not impeccable.
- Self-deprecating humor that actually chips away at your self-worth? Not impeccable.
- Encouraging a friend, setting a clear boundary, being honest? That’s impeccable.
The challenge isn’t just external gossip — it’s the inner monologue. The stories you repeat become beliefs. And beliefs become your prison.
Agreement 2: Don’t Take Anything Personally
This might be the hardest one. Ruiz says: nothing others do is really about you.
- Someone insults you? That’s about their wounds, not your worth.
- Someone praises you? Same deal — it’s their perception.
When you take things personally, you hand people control over your emotions. When you stop, you become free.
Modern analogy:
- Your Instagram post gets 12 likes. Do you spiral? That’s taking it personally.
- Boss snaps at you because they had a bad morning. If you internalize it, you suffer twice.
This doesn’t mean be apathetic. It means detach your identity from other people’s projections. Their opinions aren’t the truth.
Agreement 3: Don’t Make Assumptions
Humans are assumption machines. We assume people know what we want. We assume they mean something they didn’t say. We assume entire stories without evidence.
Ruiz: assumptions breed misunderstandings, drama, and suffering.
Instead, he says:
- Ask questions.
- Communicate clearly.
- Don’t invent stories in your head.
Modern analogy:
- Partner doesn’t text back for 4 hours. Your brain: “They hate me, they’re cheating, it’s over.” Reality: their phone died.
- Coworker sends a short email. You: “They’re mad.” Reality: they were in a rush.
Most interpersonal pain is DIY — built from assumptions.
Agreement 4: Always Do Your Best
This one ties everything together: do your best, no more, no less.
- Your “best” changes daily — some days you’re energized, some days you’re drained. That’s okay.
- Doing your best means you won’t regret. You won’t beat yourself up later.
- It also prevents burnout — “your best” is not “perfect.”
Modern analogy:
- Writing a report? Do your best with the time and energy you have, then release it.
- Gym session? Some days “best” is PR deadlift, some days it’s just showing up.
Doing your best makes the other three agreements possible. Mess up? Fine. Reflect, adjust, try again.
Together: The Four Agreements as a Way of Life
- Be Impeccable with Your Word → Speak truth, stop poisoning yourself.
- Don’t Take Things Personally → Stop letting others control your emotions.
- Don’t Make Assumptions → Ask, clarify, don’t invent stories.
- Always Do Your Best → Effort matters more than perfection.
Simple? Yes. Easy? Absolutely not. But practice shifts your reality.
Why It Works: The Toltec “Domestication” Idea
Ruiz frames life as a process of domestication. From childhood, we’re taught rules, rewarded when we obey, punished when we don’t. We internalize the “Judge” (critical voice) and the “Victim” (the part that feels shame).
The Four Agreements break that cycle. They rewrite your mental contracts. They free you from old programming.
In modern terms: it’s cognitive reframing wrapped in spiritual language.
Applications in 2025 (Because TikTok Drama Counts Too)
- Work: Gossip less, clarify more. Your meetings will shrink by half.
- Relationships: Don’t assume your partner can read your mind. Use words (impeccably).
- Social Media: Don’t take comments personally. Trolls gonna troll.
- Self-Talk: Be impeccable with your word to yourself. Drop “I can’t” and “I’m stupid.”
- Daily Effort: On good days, crush it. On bad days, just show up. That’s still your best.
Criticism & Reality Check
Some critics say Ruiz oversimplifies. Sure — four rules won’t solve every problem. Trauma, systemic issues, and real-world complexity matter.
But that’s also the point: The Four Agreements isn’t about controlling the world. It’s about controlling your agreements with yourself. It’s a framework for sanity in a messy, unpredictable world.
TL;DR (For the Spiritually Curious but Time-Starved)
- Words are spells. Cast good ones.
- Stop taking things personally. It’s not about you.
- Don’t invent stories. Ask instead.
- Do your best — not perfection, not laziness, just best.
Or, meme version:
Me: “They didn’t text back, they hate me.”
Ruiz: “Don’t make assumptions.”
Me: “…Fine.”